The Accountant doesn't drive cars as cool as the Challenger, or as the Chevelle that Milton borrows from his old friend Webster (the indomitable David Morse) when the Challenger breaks as a result of too many slow-motion action stunts. He is accompanied by Piper (Amber Heard), an ex-waitress with a '69 Dodge Challenger, who gets some very major action setpieces of her very own and is never once turned into a weak girl that must be rescued they are pursued by a mysterious figure sent from Hell to retrieve Milton, calling himself the Accountant (William Fichtner).
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In point of fact, Cage plays John Milton, * a dead man escaped from the bounds of Hell to find religious charismatic Jonah King (Billy Burke), leader of the wackos who murdered Milton's daughter and kidnapped his infant granddaughter to sacrifice her to Satan on the night of the full moon.
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The film itself concerns Nicolas Cage being a hard-ass, driving muscle cars, and killing people by the handful.
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Lussier ought to have known better: his last film was the 2009 remake My Bloody Valentine, a film of considerable flaws that at least knew how to do tacky 3-D right. Especially double exposures, which are cheesy enough as it is but simply look ghastly when the two planes of the separate exposures are nowhere remotely near one another.
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It's something of a curiosity to see a movie in which 3-D can be at once so tacky and so restrained, especially a film that was "Shot in 3D!" as the ad campaign yells desperately, assuring an audience that has quickly learned to avoid post-production 3-D conversions at all costs (and why not, as painfully ugly as those films are, and as ludicrous an excuse as it is to chisel out another $4?) that this Drive Angry will look much nicer than all those other movies you're overpaying to see in unmotivated dimensionality.Īnd it does, at that, look better, insofar as the effect is smoother, although the film serves as a good argument for why things like lens flares and double exposures should never, ever be used in a 3-D movie. And both are further given an erotic gloss with 3-D that serves almost no discernible narrative purpose whatsoever, and isn't even particularly amusing in the tawdry fashion of a Piranha 3D, serving mainly to call still further attention to how languid is the violence, and how gleaming are the cars. But mostly violence and cars: the former presented by director Patrick Lussier with lingering, worshipful slow-motion, the latter in loving tracking shots that glide across the vehicles with the rapt attention but awed distance of a gentle, shy lover. It fetishises acts of brutal violence it fetishises gorgeously preserved early-70s muscle cars in an extremely distant third place, it manages, just barely, to fetishise naked women. By anyone.Drive Angry is above all else a shockingly fetishistic motion picture. Drive Angry, almost forgotten in my mind already, shouldn’t be watched. I should’ve known not to expect too much from Nicolas Cage, especially these days. This isn’t the worst movie ever made, maybe not even close, but it was a huge disappointment. I would’ve gladly assisted my cat in licking his own ass than watch Drive Angry. Sticking my face in week-old litter is a better option. I would rather go through the 12 Labors Hercules went through than watch this movie. I could’ve done anything else in the world I could’ve watched another film. I thought it would at least be a nice way to pass time, but it wasn’t. I don’t like to waste my time watching a film I know I won’t like, but some occurrences are rare. I usually tend to like the movies I watch. It’s a mouthfull to even say, so just imagine how zany it looked on screen. The movie’s premise leaves much to be asked, and the ending wasn’t satisfying at all. It centers on an escapee of Hell who returns to Earth to rescue his dead daughter’s daughter and murder the man who killed his daughter. She most likely was shrieking because she just realized she was in this nightmare of a film. The lady was screaming, but out of pleasure or fear, I don’t know.
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One particular gratuitous scene included Cage romancing a woman while in a gun fight. How could the supporting actors have enough backstory if the two main characters barely did?
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The lovely Amber Heard isn’t enough to be the film’s saving grace, and the other characters were non-existent. Cage sleepwalks through the entire movie, looking his best after being shot in the eye. The attempt at over-the-top action didn’t work well for the movie, and the plot was so bizarre and cloudy that after just watching the film a week ago, I have little recollection of what happened.
Badly written and terribly acted, the film wasn’t even slightly entertaining.